Archive | April, 2010

Guilty

27 Apr

Sorry for the heavy post tonight but I just have to get something off my chest.

I’m insanely happy with my life right now. I have a great circle of friends, I’m moving out on my own, and I’m seeing someone that I can let loose around and I really enjoy that.

But I had to hurt someone to get here.

I had to give up on a relationship that I was really hoping would turn out. I had to look at someone I really truly care about and tell him that I needed to be alone. I had to see his pain. I know his heart hurts. I’ve been there. And I know that my being so happy without him makes it worse. I feel so guilty that I’m having a hard time enjoying my good fortune.

I’m not sure if he still reads what I write here. But just in case he does, I have something to say.

I’m sorry. I wish things could have worked between us. I miss you. I think about you every day. I cry about you and I wonder how you’re doing. But I don’t know how to talk to you. I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want to give you false hope. I just want you to know that I feel this way. Its eating at me. I just want both of us to be happy, and I don’t know how to make that happen right now. I wish I could just wave my wand and everything would be perfect again, and we’d be in the same place mentally and emotionally, and we’d never have to go through something like this.

I don’t really know what else to say. This guilt is really eating at me and I’m trying hard to put it aside but I can’t all the time.

10 Secrets, 10 People

22 Apr

1. I want you to be happy in life. I’m sorry that things didn’t work out the way either one of us expected. Though neither one of us knows what the future holds, I want both of us to find happiness in the present. I want you to know that you’re a good person underneath it all, even if you keep it hidden. You have a big heart and you would do anything for someone you love. Open your horizons and experience new things. I truly care about you, and I don’t want to see you hurt anymore ┬áthan I have to. Because trust me, it hurts me just as much.

2. Thank you for becoming my best friend. I can’t imagine what life would be like without you. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me and I appreciate our friendship more than you know. We are basically the same person and I love that. You can make me laugh even while you’re trying to strangle me and honestly, nobody else could do that. I’m looking forward to a really long friendship and I hope you are too. Love you!

3. I’m glad to have someone like you in my family, that I can also call a best friend. I have a feeling this summer is going to be the best summer of our lives and you don’t even know how stoked I am. I know we’re going to get into lots of crazy shit and I cannot wait. I’m glad that you’re the person that you are. Just remember that you are a beautiful, unique, radiant person and nobody will be able to stop you, ever.

4. I wish things had worked out differently between us. I would say I’m sorry they didn’t but I’m not, which is really the whole issue. I can’t apologize because I honestly feel I have nothing to apologize for. I think that we’ve just grown to be such different people that while we’re still similar, we can’t be as close as we once were. Maybe someday in the future we’ll reconnect, but for now I think its time we grow and mature on our separate paths.

5. Please do not talk about me behind my back to my best friend. You have no idea who I am, so don’t pretend like you know me inside and out. Because if you knew me so well, you’d know exactly who you were fucking with, and you’d keep your mouth shut. As awkward and weird as I can be, I still have friends. And I can make friends. I don’t get flustered in social situations and end up insulting people. I know how to speak clearly and concisely to a large group of people without looking like an overripe tomato. I can look someone in the eyes while I speak to them. That’s more than you can say for yourself so don’t try to tell me I’m not socially acceptable. Ever take a look in the mirror? Worth a glance sweetheart.

6. I’m really glad we met. I sincerely enjoy spending time with you, and doing silly little cute things. You can make me laugh and trust me, that’s not exactly easy to do. I’m enjoying what we have and I’m looking forward to seeing where it takes us.

7. I miss you more than you know. I’m happy that you’re happy, but I’m afraid that when you come back we’ll drift apart. You’ll start an entirely new life and I’m afraid you’ll leave me behind. I’m going to miss our not-dates and spending time just laughing and joking with each other. Also, I regret not sending you anything, which I’m going to remedy as soon as possible. I’m terrified for you, and I pray for you in my own way. I hope that you come back to us in one piece and relatively sane. Until then, take care.

8. I call you brother, but I feel like I’m an awful sister to you. I promise that now I have more free time, I’ll put more effort into our friendship. We’ve been through hell and back together and honestly I couldn’t ask for a better adopted sibling. You’re the older brother I never had, and I’m so glad to be able to have someone like you looking out for me. Thank you for everything you’ve done and I swear I’ll make it up to you.

9. I will never forget the spicy tuna roll. I’m sorry we don’t get to hang out that often, but I do consider you one of my better friends, and it makes me sad that I don’t get to see you. I swear I WILL introduce you to some yummy African food and we’ll be real foodies together once my life is a little more put together. But no matter what I love you and the wedding’s still on.

10. I love you like fire. Enough said.

Lies

19 Apr

Okay, so maybe I lied a little bit in my last post, as I haven’t been updating daily, or really that often, like I promised. I’ve been to busy being busy.

True, I’m not really working as much as I used to, and true, I have weekends now, but I’ve also grown a bit of a social life. I go out a lot, and I’m happy with that because I’m making new friends and nurturing new relationships.

Plus, the weather is getting warmer. And in this city, that means going out.

So I apologize, to the maybe five people that read this thing. I swear, I’ll at least make an attempt to update weekly for now, until I get back into the swing of things.

That aside, I guess I should let you know what’s been going on in my corner of the world.

I’m trying my best to get more serious about the classes I’m taking, because it seems I’ve put them on the back burner yet again. I need to go to UWM soon and speak to someone in admissions about a transfer for this fall if I’m lucky, spring if I’m not. Either way, school needs to be more important in my life if I’m ever going to finish an undergrad.

I’m also trying to be more wise about money, but I also just bought a new car so a lot of what I’m earning is going to that. I’m trying to pay as much of the loan off as I can while I can afford to. Which means I really need to stop spending money on little things here and there, like at Walgreen’s or the gas station or stopping for fast food, etc.

Really, that’s about it, not much is going on that’s blog-worthy. But I swear, weekly updates. Hold me to it!

Post Number 81

13 Apr

Alright, I know I haven’t updated in forever. It’s hard to get back into the swing of blogging after I’ve been on a small sabbatical because I feel like I have to detail everything that’s happened in my life up until this point. I don’t think I can do that, because too much has been going on, with work and school and life. I really do need to get back into the swing of this.

Part of the reason I’ve been virtually absent is that I’ve hardly been at home the last few weeks. I spend almost all my time on the eastside. I learned some lessons recently, like no more Everclear ever, and pants off dance offs do happen occasionally.

I’m also learning more about myself as a person, which is always exciting. I’m working on the flaws that I, like everyone else, have, and that makes me feel good. It’s hard work, but I like knowing that I have some control over my life.

I’m hoping now that I have a more regular schedule I’ll have time to update here, on closer to a daily basis.